Belief

Ok so it's about time I wrote again. I've been thinking non stop about belief and doubt. I recently read in a Buddhist text that "belief means to be without doubt" and "belief means to never entertain doubt" (The orally transmitted teachings, Nichiren Daishonin). The idea of not entertaining doubt is much easier in my mind then just ceasing a kind of thought all together. i'm treating these statements as the same for the sake of contemplation. Doubt is considered an arrogance or darkness in that it obstructs the ability to see oneself as the fundamental light that you are. So I am practicng affirmations this week that are simple and simply repeat the two above statements.  For the most part I think that belief means a tremendous amount for things.

However, I do not think that belief alone will get you were you want to go.  The other morning while teaching yoga, I graduated from Bikram Yoga College of India in Los Angeles in November of 2006. Amazing that is has been eleven years. I have taught every week since then save for a few vacations a year. I also have maintained a personal practice of at least for times a week. Anyway, I told the class that I became a teacher so that I would never quit. And really that's the truth, because I had quit before. My first bikram class ever was in May of 2001, I was actually taking yoga when the twin towers went down. I remember being so thankful that I was engaged in a peaceful practice at this time, and I was also with my friend Kim and we had plans to go back and chant for an hour; so double peace!

when I got to the Boulder bikram studio way back then I was twenty-eight years old and still one hundred pounds over weight. I instantly intuited that this was IT for me and even on that first day wanted to become a teacher which five years later as I said I did. The owner let me do work trade and  in exchange for classes I worked the front desk. The style of yoga is hot and at that time was very strict (thank goodness) and I had to wear shorts no matter what. I would get extremely overwhelmed by the sight of my legs in the class and essentially have a high level panic attack and run out of the room basically in tears and sit in the shower and cry for a few minutes and then go back in. Eventually I stopped leaving the room to cry and I would just cry in the room. After about a year and a half I quit. I quit for like almost two years. A year and a half after I went back I went to training because I did not want the healing I needed to be halted. Even in training which was a nine week crueling process of no sleep, anatomy, dialog clinics, 2 classes a day and lectures I would break down during class. One time the shit that was coming up, trauma from childhood was so intense that I cried and crawled through the whole class, but there was no way in hell I was giving up.

I had zero beleif in my ability to change. I didn't even possess enough conscious to have the belief to become what I am today. I guess I could say that I possessed a belief in my never give up spirt, but even with that did I not actually hold the belief that I could? So when I said to the six forty five am class yesterday at Bikram Yoga Encino that "I became a teacher so i wouldn't quit", i also said "i don't think i really believed i would ever lose the one hundred pounds i needed to lose", i realized that action might come before belief. That action can lead to belief, that even if you don't believe that certain action and lifestyles will take you there anyway. Beleif without action is nothing more than theory. Consistent action without belief can still yield results. Results lead to faith. Faith is to believe. To believe is to be without doubt. I have no doubt now that i will lead a healthy lifestyle for the rest of my life. Frankly to change something that you really never believed could change feels like a miracle.

So the next time someone tells you that you that have to believe more, or get more faith, it might just be the action you are taking. Beleif counts for lots, but not for everything. That's why the word "entertain" doubts is useful to me. My incorrigible disbelief was so strong, but I didn't entertain quitting and still got my ass out the door and moved. I was kicking, screaming, and crying, but i did it  anyway.

❤️Leisa